November 26, 2018 9:52 pm
GOD, I hate everything.
NO, actually, I don't hate EVERY thing. There is some degree of sustained self-loathing going on, but actual, active hating on anything or anyone else, no.
I'm restless and distracted because there's so many things to do or that I want to do, but nothing can be done quickly. I need to just focus on one thing at a time. there's no short cut to getting all this shit done. Instead, I just need to pick a project/objective and then proceed to fulfilling the needs of each particular project.
But right now I just want to eat.
Right now I just want to sleep.
Right now I should do something constructive, like some domestic chore; nothing elaborate, just something simple, like, folding laundry. or cleaning up some of my basement living quarters.
10:27 pm
Well, okay. I folded some laundry.
Whoo. Hoo.
WOW, I'm really in a shitty mood.
Okay, I think I know why, too.
I haven't gotten enough sleep lately. Today was my day off but I didn't really sleep in. And I don't usually go to bed at any reasonable time, either. And my job requires some steady physical exertion. And I'm fucking 58 years old. So, all this adds up to: GET MORE SLEEP, OLD MAN.
Yeah, so not enough sleep and then just general stress and/or obsessive preoccupations with matters that I don't seem to actually try to deal with. Like, thinking about stuff to draw, or film, and having various ideas for comics, film, whatever, and then, when I have an opportunity towards working on any of these ideas, etc., I don't. Instead, I go braindead on the internet. Or I sink to deeper depths and rush over to free porn on-line. Porn, for god's sake! I'm a fool.
November 28, 2:36 am
I should go to bed. "Get more sleep, old man," indeed. Although, actually, I did fall asleep on my bed, then had to get up to go the bathroom. So, I'm off to slumberland again, but let me try to move a little further along in this post.
Tonight we had another BM-VM Screenwriters meeting at the Alberta Dr. Wegmans. This is the second season we're doing this. We initiated this second group of meetings apart from the main group, the Buffalo Movie-Video Makers. I just thought it would be constructive to establish a core group of local writers and a meeting place for them. Also, BM-VM's core meeting structure (starting at 7:15, a 10-minute intermission, ending at 9:00) seemed somewhat restrictive to any extended discussion of screenwriting, too. Well, okay, that's debatable. But, I think the club's interests for a focus on screenwriting was limited, so attempting to form a splinter group seemed like a worthwhile experiment, and I think we're getting some traction. I'll elaborate more on my movie blog at some point.
Meanwhile, it started snowing yesterday afternoon and there's a winter advisory going on until 6 pm today. And so, yeah, I should go to bed because I have to open today at work and I'll have to deal with snow and that assorted winter bullshit. Ugh.
I was thinking about the fastest way to get my word count and I started thinking about THE SHINING and Jack's novel-writing efforts.
Maybe if I just kept repeating "All work and no play makes a Jack a dull boy." over and over ad nauseum. Let's see... count that sentence as 11 words, divide into 50,000... so I just have to write 4545.454545 times.
Er... nope.
But, an interesting thought. Okay, if I did do something like that (um... cheating), I'd have to come up with a more appropriate phrase. Like...
Um...
"Time waits for no man."
Okay, that has more significance for me, but it's only 5 words, so I'd have to repeat that 10,000 times.
"I hate everything."
No! That's only three words!
Actually, wait: "I hate everything. No. That's not true. I sometimes feel that way at my most frustrated, but what I actually feel is not hate for the world, but self-loathing."
Ah, who wants to read THAT over and over again.
Screw it.
Oh, I came to sort of a realization/epiphany about my stalled approach to wanting to do a comic for myself: remove some of my restrictions/ambitions. Specifically, allow myself to be free to create a story and draw using all the generic, derivative conventions of comic stories I'm used to. Like, genre tropes, typical depictions of female characters, etc. That's the main reason I want to make comics is to work in these tropes. But then I feel self-conscious about doing something so stereotypical and derivative. Then it occurred to me, that's my older creator speaking, the personality that wants to create something "lasting" instead of something disposable. But, then it occurred to me that since I haven't produced that much art/comics, part of my need to create still resides in a much less developed artistic self, who still has to take his beginning steps, who has to learn BY treading these derivative paths of self-discovery. Once I do these for awhile, I think some developing maturity will kick in and I'll start to be compelled to do something more than just create sexy babes, etc.
So, with that in mind, I have an idea for a title to experiment with such drivel: GROTESQUE: SUPERLATIVE TALES OF DERIVATIVE BULLS#!T. That's my self-conscious title.
We'll see if that frees me up to finally start putting ideas down on paper that actually sticks.
ARGH!! 3:18 am!
Alright, I'm off to bed again.
...to be continued...
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