I woke up from a dream tonight.
Which is cool, because it seems I haven't dreamt for the longest time. I used to dream alot, but that seems like years and years ago.
I love my dreams, even the scary ones, and I try to remember them, for story ideas or self-analysis, or most likely, both.
But a few years ago, I was disagnosed with sleep apnea and I got one of those machines where you wear the breathing mask at night. Well, for a short period of time I was wearing it, but then I stopped and it's been a couple years since I have. The last couple times I did, I woke up in the middle of the night with my throat really sore from being dried out, an occasional consequence from the breathing mask and forced air. For those people with sleep apnea that use the machine and also suffer from a dried out throat, they have another machine with a water reservoir, which I guess acts like a humidifier for your throat.
But, I haven't gotten off my fat ass to go about getting one.
And I really should. Because if I'm not sleeping properly, I'm probably setting up my heart for an early heart attack, and that, dear bored readers (ooh, plural! I'm being optimistic!), will completely screw up my strategy to live at least as long as my dad in order to squeeze in some sort of creative career that I never seemed to have pursued properly while I was younger.
I just turned 47, my dad's 81, and my mom just died: the theoretical prescriptive elements for motivation to step out on my journey of creativity.
Uh, more on that at a later date.
But the dream, the dream...
Unfortunately, it's a bit unclear.
Apparently I knew this guy who somehow wound up on the wrong end of a chase/warrant from the authorities.
I'm in someone's apartment and the hunted friend is there and also one of the "feds"(?). The fed reminds me facially, a little, of actor Aaron Eckhart (THANK YOU FOR SMOKING).
I seem to have gotten into some conversation with Agent Eckhart that there's been a mistake.
My "fugitive/hunted/whatever friend" is always in the background, never fully appearing front and center in the dream. I seem to have gotten involved enough in this scenario because of him that I've replaced him in terms of importance.
Anyways, through some vague chain of circumstances, the feds are after my pal (and me because I'm with him). Is my friend Native American? He's not white, which is my sense of him, not becauise I really ever see him clearly in front of me. I wonder if the semi-recent events of the manhunt for Ralph Bucky Phillips influences this thought (the manhunt took place in the Western New York area, so progress of it was constantly in the local news). Although, nationality-wise, I'm an Indo (Indonesian-European) and that's actually what I was thinking was my friend's nationality as well when I woke up.
But Agent Eckhart seems accessible and I've been trying to reason with him about the circumstances that lead to our being caught up in this manhunt by mistake.
There's the sound of a bullhorn from the street outside? It's daytime.
It's Eckhart's superiors. They're coming in for us.
There's a sense of urgency because of this but I don't seem to be making a point of pleading our case to Eckhart any more urgently.
Suddenly, two older men appear in the apartment, specifically the kitchen. I quickly see them through the kitchen doorway. They came in unseen through a window via the fire escape? They're wearing brown, thick jackets, with a dark red plaid interior lining, like hunting coats, rather than FBI or some other appropriate agency gear.
I also have the sense that their motivation is more corrupt than just bringing in a suspect or fugitive.
NOW I proceed to talk quickly to Eckhart explaining the details of our involvement.
My friend (and by implication, me-- I guess I was tagging along) came to this apartment to visit someone. But that someone was part of this investigation. My friend was not involved with what Eckhart's superiors think he was involved with. He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Eckhart doesn't know what to do. I can tell he's thinking and he knows he has no time to process this.
My feeling is, it's not a matter of just going with the authorities and straightening it out back at headquarters. If we get taken in, that's it.
I look back at the other two men and suddenly one has a hunting rifle and he's raising it to his eye, taking aim towards me. The other man with him seems to be along for the ride, or at least, letting this one dude take the lead. Without saying anything, their body language seems to say that they're on a hunt as hunters not a manhunt as federal authorities. This further informs my sense that they are corrupt and are hunting us down to conceal some sort of evidence of wrong-doing.
I suddenly run towards a back door and stuff explodes off a nearby dining room table as a shot is fired at me.
As I scramble to escape, apparently I ain't in the mood for this being chased and shot at shit because I struggle to pull myself out of the dream.
I open my eyes and I'm on the couch, Kody (short for Kodiak) is a warm ball next to my chest.
I fumble for my glasses on the cluttered table next to me and I see it's only 12:40 am.
I thought it was going to be 3 or 4 in the morning.
Oh, crap. I remember I left my car in the street...
My explanation of the circumstances that led us to being chased seemed more complicated in the telling to Agent Eckhart, but it seeemed to make sense.
In my re-telling here, I told it more clearly and it made sense, but it's quite possible that my actual explanation made no sense whatsoever during the dream, even if it seemed to make perfect sense.
My lack of urgency after the bullhorn moment makes me think of my mom's recent illness, specifically when she was finally back home.
Part of me has regrets that I wasn't more aggressive in trying to get to the bottom of her sluggish recovery, that perhaps there were signs that she needed to go back to a doctor or the hospital, but I wasn't sensitive to those warning signs. I should have behaved more urgently.
Perhaps that's why I forced myself awake... I know the resolution of this scenario will not be favorable to me.
9/308
Project 365: first / previous / next
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Some sad, terrible news... and beyond (7/312)
A day that I’ve been dreading for the past several years (but doing very little in terms of preparation for) occurred on February 7, 2007.
My mom unexpectedly passed away.
The dread I speak of wasn’t because she was severely or terminally ill for a prolonged period of time. Although, my mom’s health did take a sudden turn for the worse more or less out of the blue on December 7, 2006 and for her it was all downhill from that day on. But my secret anxiety at the inevitable passing of one of my parents came simply from a few facts:
I’m an only child;
aside from my parents, all my blood kin live outside of North America;
and we all succumb to death at some point.
For the last several days I’ve been thinking of various posts I wanted to do relating to my mom in some way, but the most important, initial information of her dying was a stumbling block for me. So, I’m just blurting it out here and I apologize for that.
Understandably, this event has made an impact on me, and in true blogger fashion, I hope to share-- well, process is a better word-- that impact with the “world” via my puny posts.
Yeah.
Anyways, more to come.
Love and kisses,
Elly’s kid
7/312
Project 365: first / previous / next
My mom unexpectedly passed away.
The dread I speak of wasn’t because she was severely or terminally ill for a prolonged period of time. Although, my mom’s health did take a sudden turn for the worse more or less out of the blue on December 7, 2006 and for her it was all downhill from that day on. But my secret anxiety at the inevitable passing of one of my parents came simply from a few facts:
I’m an only child;
aside from my parents, all my blood kin live outside of North America;
and we all succumb to death at some point.
For the last several days I’ve been thinking of various posts I wanted to do relating to my mom in some way, but the most important, initial information of her dying was a stumbling block for me. So, I’m just blurting it out here and I apologize for that.
Understandably, this event has made an impact on me, and in true blogger fashion, I hope to share-- well, process is a better word-- that impact with the “world” via my puny posts.
Yeah.
Anyways, more to come.
Love and kisses,
Elly’s kid
7/312
Project 365: first / previous / next
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Where have I been? What's going on? (4/355)
Gah!
I can't seem to focus on anything!
So, I'm just puking SOMEthing out here before several weeks more go by without posting anything.
Meanwhile, THIS damn blog!
And: yes, yes, YES... I know it's BEYOND stupid that I'm keeping three blogs (on myspace, livejournal, and here on blogger). However, I'm compensating by not really doing much with them... isn't that something?
Seriously, I liked the idea of each blog focusing on an interest of mine, and ultimately, each particular blog being a sort of tool to help me go further into each interest (comics, film). Ultimately, I wanted this pursuit to culminate in my actively creating work in each medium.
Well, my livejournal (movies) is the closest to having any sort of success like that. I've actually worked on a few low-budget movies. Okay, not my own, but helping on others' film projects is still filmmaking. Perhaps this year I can include my own personal projects on that list of filmmaking.
But, this third blog is different, and intentionally. I decided to address my other interests here, the ones that I usually ignore because I'm distracted by my creative daydreaming (or even work and sleep).
Specifically, these are areas that are more intellectual or abstract, I guess, instead of tangible creative pursuits, although comics and film have their intellectual dynamics as well. They just aren't purely intellectual to the degree these topics are.
For instance, I'm talking about: politics, spirituality, charity, and um, other issues i can't think of right now.
I have my opinions, but I usually don't voice them because I only know so much, and I really haven't made the effort to actively expand on what I know and decrease what I don't know (Oh. My. God. I'm starting to descend into Rumsfeld territory here). Actually, "what I know," is a misleading crap statement... "what I know" is more accurately "what I believe to be true," or something that I think of as a "valid theory." Again, having arrived at said (thin) theory, I've usually done very little to try to confirm or deny the theory's validity.
And this is because I'm either cowardly (to learn the truth or defend my views), lazy and/or undisciplined to focus my mind on these topics with any sort of regularity.
Personal cowardice aside, I also think the principle of "out of sight, out of mind" is at work here with regard to these topics. Which is why I think, as a practical example, going to church regularly is good, because at least once a week, theoretically, I'll be forced to consider some of these issues (well, primarily spiritual issues). True, a purely primitive reason for going to church, but isn't that the basic reason why we build a church in the first place?.
But, that's the point where I'm at. Primitive. Simple.
So, in a way, this blog will focus on my weaknesses. Not so much to simply expose them to whoever few readers there are, but hopefully to embarrass me into some sort of action that these subjects seem to imply should be taken. In other words, a discussion on charity seems useless if it doesn't motivate some charitable work of some sort (or is that purely a theory of mine? Ha!).
And it was only a couple nights ago while driving that I articulated this blog's distinction to myself (in terms of its relation to the other two sites): this site focuses on my weaknesses.
But, again, not to denigrate myself for having these weaknesses, but as a starting point for attempting to shore up those weaknesses and perhaps, optimistically, convert them into surprising strengths.
Okay, considering I have fragments of several blog posts on the back burner because I can't seem to finish them for one reason or another, I'll end here and act as if I finished saying something here.
No, seriously. I'm done for today.
4/355
Project 365: previous / first / next
I can't seem to focus on anything!
So, I'm just puking SOMEthing out here before several weeks more go by without posting anything.
Meanwhile, THIS damn blog!
And: yes, yes, YES... I know it's BEYOND stupid that I'm keeping three blogs (on myspace, livejournal, and here on blogger). However, I'm compensating by not really doing much with them... isn't that something?
Seriously, I liked the idea of each blog focusing on an interest of mine, and ultimately, each particular blog being a sort of tool to help me go further into each interest (comics, film). Ultimately, I wanted this pursuit to culminate in my actively creating work in each medium.
Well, my livejournal (movies) is the closest to having any sort of success like that. I've actually worked on a few low-budget movies. Okay, not my own, but helping on others' film projects is still filmmaking. Perhaps this year I can include my own personal projects on that list of filmmaking.
But, this third blog is different, and intentionally. I decided to address my other interests here, the ones that I usually ignore because I'm distracted by my creative daydreaming (or even work and sleep).
Specifically, these are areas that are more intellectual or abstract, I guess, instead of tangible creative pursuits, although comics and film have their intellectual dynamics as well. They just aren't purely intellectual to the degree these topics are.
For instance, I'm talking about: politics, spirituality, charity, and um, other issues i can't think of right now.
I have my opinions, but I usually don't voice them because I only know so much, and I really haven't made the effort to actively expand on what I know and decrease what I don't know (Oh. My. God. I'm starting to descend into Rumsfeld territory here). Actually, "what I know," is a misleading crap statement... "what I know" is more accurately "what I believe to be true," or something that I think of as a "valid theory." Again, having arrived at said (thin) theory, I've usually done very little to try to confirm or deny the theory's validity.
And this is because I'm either cowardly (to learn the truth or defend my views), lazy and/or undisciplined to focus my mind on these topics with any sort of regularity.
Personal cowardice aside, I also think the principle of "out of sight, out of mind" is at work here with regard to these topics. Which is why I think, as a practical example, going to church regularly is good, because at least once a week, theoretically, I'll be forced to consider some of these issues (well, primarily spiritual issues). True, a purely primitive reason for going to church, but isn't that the basic reason why we build a church in the first place?.
But, that's the point where I'm at. Primitive. Simple.
So, in a way, this blog will focus on my weaknesses. Not so much to simply expose them to whoever few readers there are, but hopefully to embarrass me into some sort of action that these subjects seem to imply should be taken. In other words, a discussion on charity seems useless if it doesn't motivate some charitable work of some sort (or is that purely a theory of mine? Ha!).
And it was only a couple nights ago while driving that I articulated this blog's distinction to myself (in terms of its relation to the other two sites): this site focuses on my weaknesses.
But, again, not to denigrate myself for having these weaknesses, but as a starting point for attempting to shore up those weaknesses and perhaps, optimistically, convert them into surprising strengths.
Okay, considering I have fragments of several blog posts on the back burner because I can't seem to finish them for one reason or another, I'll end here and act as if I finished saying something here.
No, seriously. I'm done for today.
4/355
Project 365: previous / first / next
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
I suck.
I say that a lot, for a variety of reasons.
I've been meaning to do a sporadic series of blogs focused on why I suck. Or, the I SUCK series.
Let's inaugurate it today, spontaneously, off-the-cuffly, because another reason why I suck is i have all sorts of ideas but never freaking follow up on ANY of them...
WHY I SUCK: part 1.
Oh, there are so many reasons why I feel I'm lacking as a person, and to be honest, they're all pretty trivial. But that won't stop me from obsessing about them.
One of the major reasons I exude suckage is my lack of drawing.
I have some actual drawing talent, but I REALLY lack sitting down and drawing discipline, so I SUCK because I'm squandering a real talent. This is not news to me or others who know me.
A guy I know locally, Joel, is an illustrator who designs a number of posters for local bands.
These posters are terrific.
Check 'em out:
http://www.gigposters.com/designers.php?designer=4788
Joel can also be seen on Myspace. Recently, he's returned to his site and started posting his sketches and drawings again after a lengthy hiatus. Yaaaay! I love looking at his work.
A friend of Joel's and myself is Jim, who's sometimes referred to in each of our blogs. Jim is also an artist, but he uses a lot of photoshop or some damn software, so I'm not as directly inspired because I know crap about that using that stuff. I'm just a pencil and ink dude. hence my Joel envy and admiration.
Anyways here's Joel's Myspace site:
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=102037
And here's Jim's website:
http://www.spancwear.com/
So, anyways, with Joel spewing out magnificent sketches and drawings again (the F'n' F!), it seems almost disgusting for me to merely spectate and salivate. I need to join the fray.
I need to get off my cowardly perfectionist ass and draw stuff and post it myself.
Let's see what happens, huh?
I've been meaning to do a sporadic series of blogs focused on why I suck. Or, the I SUCK series.
Let's inaugurate it today, spontaneously, off-the-cuffly, because another reason why I suck is i have all sorts of ideas but never freaking follow up on ANY of them...
WHY I SUCK: part 1.
Oh, there are so many reasons why I feel I'm lacking as a person, and to be honest, they're all pretty trivial. But that won't stop me from obsessing about them.
One of the major reasons I exude suckage is my lack of drawing.
I have some actual drawing talent, but I REALLY lack sitting down and drawing discipline, so I SUCK because I'm squandering a real talent. This is not news to me or others who know me.
A guy I know locally, Joel, is an illustrator who designs a number of posters for local bands.
These posters are terrific.
Check 'em out:
http://www.gigposters.com/designers.php?designer=4788
Joel can also be seen on Myspace. Recently, he's returned to his site and started posting his sketches and drawings again after a lengthy hiatus. Yaaaay! I love looking at his work.
A friend of Joel's and myself is Jim, who's sometimes referred to in each of our blogs. Jim is also an artist, but he uses a lot of photoshop or some damn software, so I'm not as directly inspired because I know crap about that using that stuff. I'm just a pencil and ink dude. hence my Joel envy and admiration.
Anyways here's Joel's Myspace site:
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=102037
And here's Jim's website:
http://www.spancwear.com/
So, anyways, with Joel spewing out magnificent sketches and drawings again (the F'n' F!), it seems almost disgusting for me to merely spectate and salivate. I need to join the fray.
I need to get off my cowardly perfectionist ass and draw stuff and post it myself.
Let's see what happens, huh?
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Welcome, welcome!
Well, this poor, lonely site has been lying unfulfilled a little too long. So, let the champagne bottle smashing commence!
Actually, I have no idea what I want to do with this site. but, I think that's part of the vague purpose I have for it, as an outlet for some thinking, an opportunity to contemplate subjects I normally don't allow myself time to .
I have two other blogs, one on Myspace (comic books) and one at Livejournal (movies).
I'd like to consider myself an artist, but I think I haven't produced enough art to have legitimately achieved that status. So, instead, I'm currently a creative individual with alot of unexplored potential.
That is a large part of myself, this creative aspect. I'm forever coming up with ideas for projects, but I never seem to properly apply myself to the execution of those projects.
Unfortunately, I'm now of an age where that fact is becoming a large, and perhaps growing, amount of psychological baggage. I guess the good thing going for me is that we are of a generation that's seeing a longer life expectancy (hell, my dad's survived eight decades so far, and he's not really taking care of himself... he's just freaking durable! So, perhaps I, too, have those, "in spite of myself" extended mortality genes), so I may still salvage some sort of artistic career before I leave this mortal coil, by God!
Actually, there is another aspect of myself that is not creative, that is, I used to think there was, and that is spirituality. I used to consider myself a spiritual person. I'm not sure if I am now. Or perhaps, like my artistic talents, I have spiritual talents, but they, too, are going unrealized.
The hope is that this blog may prove to be a small toehold into a way back into expressing that spirituality again, or living it more in my life. Whatever that means.
Alright, that's it for now. Not quite the dramatic cannon shot across the bow, but something, the heck!
Actually, I have no idea what I want to do with this site. but, I think that's part of the vague purpose I have for it, as an outlet for some thinking, an opportunity to contemplate subjects I normally don't allow myself time to .
I have two other blogs, one on Myspace (comic books) and one at Livejournal (movies).
I'd like to consider myself an artist, but I think I haven't produced enough art to have legitimately achieved that status. So, instead, I'm currently a creative individual with alot of unexplored potential.
That is a large part of myself, this creative aspect. I'm forever coming up with ideas for projects, but I never seem to properly apply myself to the execution of those projects.
Unfortunately, I'm now of an age where that fact is becoming a large, and perhaps growing, amount of psychological baggage. I guess the good thing going for me is that we are of a generation that's seeing a longer life expectancy (hell, my dad's survived eight decades so far, and he's not really taking care of himself... he's just freaking durable! So, perhaps I, too, have those, "in spite of myself" extended mortality genes), so I may still salvage some sort of artistic career before I leave this mortal coil, by God!
Actually, there is another aspect of myself that is not creative, that is, I used to think there was, and that is spirituality. I used to consider myself a spiritual person. I'm not sure if I am now. Or perhaps, like my artistic talents, I have spiritual talents, but they, too, are going unrealized.
The hope is that this blog may prove to be a small toehold into a way back into expressing that spirituality again, or living it more in my life. Whatever that means.
Alright, that's it for now. Not quite the dramatic cannon shot across the bow, but something, the heck!
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