HAPPY NEW YEAR!
So, this post is pretty much a continuation from this previous post.
In that post, I was referring to this list, or my WHAT I WANNA DO LIST for short, or even shorter, my WIWDL:
WHAT DO I WANNA DO (WHAT DO I WANNA BE) WHEN I GROW UP:
1. A debater
2. An essayist
3. A history major
4. A filmmaker (director, writer, editor)
5. A cartoonist (comic books, webcomics)
6. An illustrator/painter
7. A merchandiser and marketer (specifically re: WNY filmmaker Sam Qualiana's Metroshia Productions... more on this later)
8. A documentarian, historian about WNY filmmakers
9. Financially successful
10. Oh, and though I never think about it - but I should - be a (competent)* homeowner.
Saturday, January 4, 11:24 am
In that previous post, I talked about two items on the list, being a filmmaker and being a cartoonist. Of course, that was back in late February of 2019! So, I'll just run through the whole list for this post and see where my brain is at and hopefully see how much progress I can make on all of these ambitions as I go through the year.
Yeah, if you look at the recent posts on all three of my main blogs, there's a lot of repetition. It seems most of my recent posts either began as something I started months or even years ago and I decided to finish them, and they probably changed in focus because of the amount of time it took between its inception and its conclusion. Also, a lot of these posts seem to be me trying to just get through the day or even the post, so there's more of diary-like quality to them rather than me discussing a single topic. I think I have few more posts like that to get through in that manner, but if I can make an analogy to a sports team, my blogs (and myself, I guess) are kind of going through a "rebuilding year," just trying to re-organize my focus and getting my shit together in general. With that in mind, I'm perpetually making lists of things to do or goals I hope to accomplish. The WIWDL is one such thing. Also, at my film blog, I'm slowly working on a post that discusses my attempt to re-focus on what topics I'd like to discuss there:
1. Netflix Connection
2. WNY filmmakers
3. BM-VM
4. My own filmmaking efforts
5. Films I own
6. Films so bad they're... what?
So, that's my game plan as we start 2020. We'll see how far I stick with this idea, hahaha! Dammit.
Although, right now, I have to call Consumer Cellular and figure out why my phone hasn't had any service pretty much all week...
Saturday, January 11, 12:51 am
Swell.
For whatever reason, my confidence is kind of low right now and that sort of "just happened." Stupidly, I think it was initially triggered by reading something someone posted on Facebook, that THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE RETURN OF THE KING was released on this day SIXTEEN FUCKING YEARS AGO. That fact just sort of hit me, yet another blast of how Time (and Life) can just go by so quickly. And then to compound it, it occurred to me that I didn't really get that much accomplished today, that I was just spinning my wheels, so that fact seemed to underline the whole idea of the passage of time, and more to the point, how I'm such a pro at wasting my own time.
So, on one level I just feel like throwing in the towel with regards to my creative ambitions and plans and bullshit etc. I don't feel like I'm ever going to ever really get my shit together.
FUCK.
However, on the other hand, if I DO give up, well, I might as well just lie down and DIE. Not commit suicide, but just give up my reason for living, then. Because, why bother carrying on if I have no more creative ambitions?
Man, I'm in a pathetically whiney state, aren't I?
Fuck me.
And foul-mouthed, too!
Okay, just take a deep breath and either do something constructive, anything, or just go to bed and start again in the morning and do better tomorrow, ya whiney little puke.
Grrrr!
